


Letters in Your Breath

by Yourethefuckboy



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecurity, Internalized Homophobia, Langst, Pidge is an ASSHOLE., Trans Lance (Voltron), Transphobia, because you need to accept yourself to love yourself and stuff but pidge doesnt get that, internalized non-binaryphobia?, lance is very sad and hates herself high-key, non-binary Pidge, she/her pronouns for lance, they/them pronouns for Pidge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-06
Updated: 2017-04-15
Packaged: 2018-09-06 21:19:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8769718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yourethefuckboy/pseuds/Yourethefuckboy
Summary: Lance knows she's the team joke- the local annoyance they bonded over. She pissed people off. She knew that. No need to get in a fuss when someone calls out her bullshit then, right? (wrong.)





	1. Shit's Fucked

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I haven't written for funsies in a long while (Message if you'd like to see the trainwreck that is my middle school writing) so please be merciful on the general quality of the fic. HOWEVER- I have no beta, and no proof-reader who can let me know when I'm being transphobic, homophobic, or generally insensitive about subjects like self harm, depression, and anxiety. I'm bisexual, horribly depressed and I used to self harm, however I may still be inappropriate in my writing about both that and other areas. PLEASE, PLEASE let me know if I used any slurs, inappropriate terms, or ignorant commentary/speech. Please also know that I love everyone who took the time to read both these notes and the work itself. Even without a comment or kudos I still really appreciate your time!

Looking back on it, she can see how Pidge's frustration is her fault. She had been complaining throughout the day about how her armor wasn't exactly the way she'd like it to sit on her chest, how Allura struggled with the concept despite Coran's acceptance, how Hunk sometimes messed up her pronouns. Each offense (excluding Hunk's, bless his remorseful heart) often came with at least a few minutes of frustrated ranting and irritation- and even if they were more to brush off the crushing, stifling, breathless feelings of insecurity and dysporia, she would admit that no, nobody enjoys listening to her whining. And no, nobody needs to pretend she wasn't annoying- she figured they had all pretty much accepted her as their daily interruption and moved on. And God, she knows that her fucking problems are irrelevant- everyone in their group had their own issues, be it Shiro with his PTSD or Hunk with his long dead wish for a pattern in their day to day lives.

So yes. Lance understood. She knew her place without Allura even explaining the likely far and few positives about her; she was supposed to be a bit of tape to go over the Shiro-glue that kept their team together. Flimsy tape is not given the courtesy to hurt and invalidate the feelings of the important members, Pidge included.  
So why was she overreacting?

"God, Lance, are you serious?" their words snap him out of her self loathing, and she looks down to where Pidge is still fuming. "You could stand to at least find some kind of defense that's not just guilt tripping me by crying." Lance fumbles for words, her cheeks aflame as she realizes tears had begun pulling at the corners of her eyes.

"Shit-" she pauses, presses the bottom of her hands to her eyes, "I'm sorry. I'll try to stop, um, the thing you s-said." Pidge glares at that, rolling their eyes as they turn on their heels. She turns to return to her room, and finds she has an audience. "Sorry." Lance dips her head slightly and rushes from the room, disgusted. She not only fucked up her relationship with Pidge, she also fucked up any relationships with the rest of the Paladins thanks to being an insensitive asshole who couldn't stand to be more fucking aware of how her actions effect others.

She finds an unused showering quarters, starts the water, and sits in the stream.

 

_"God- these fucking aliens cannot grasp the concept of 'If I say my gender is something, don't fucking question it!'" She groans, tugging off yet another dreaded piece of armor, "And this piece of shit doesn't show my chest growth at all." Sighing, she flops onto her back. Steps begin approaching her, and she opens her eyes to see Pidge's eyes directly above her own._

_Teary, they begin. "You know you could stand to think about other people's problems too, right?" Now with Lance's attention, they straighten. "Try explaining having no gender to aliens deep into definite ones. Try wanting your armor to bind sometimes and be form fitting others and getting neither. What about the time spent trying to figure out what the hell you were? And nearly telling your mom you wanted to de-transition because you didn't even know how the fuck you felt, because the media has never even mentioned being non-binary?" Lance is gaping, her eyes wide with guilt._  
_"Um-"  
"Yeah. That's what I thought. Maybe you should stop complaining and try to imagine how it feels to be somebody else, asshole."_

And here she sits, imagining how horrible Pidge felt every time she complained, how she must have not been annoying the others, but angering them for being insensitive to Pidge's own problems.  
She could just die.

So, in light of that, she instead heads over to the cabinet of sharp things she's collected over time and takes out her favorite piece.

 

"What the fuck- who do you think you are?!" Keith's fists knot, his legs burning as he loses speed in his attempts to catch Pidge. "Why the hell did you think that was okay? What's- what the hell is wrong with you?!"

"Stop." Shiro grabs his shoulder and he nearly falls backwards from the sudden stop, whipping his head back to spit a bitter comment, but his breath catches when he sees the other Paladin's somber expression. "Go get Lance. She probably feels horrible."

"But Pidge-"

"Pidge will be spoken to, and I will handle it."

Keith tenses.

"Fine."

 

"Hello? Lance? I've been looking for you for hours now-" a shriek is heard from the washroom he'd stumbled upon, and he flushes, twisting away from the entry. "Sorry. Wasn't sure if it was you in there. You almost done? I wanted to talk to you." He hears her feet sliding on the tile, metal scraping along it and soaking fabric being thrown about.

"Um- it's fine. I'm fine. I'll be out in a sec. Could you grab me clothes? Mine... Mine are soaked." She chuckles nonchalantly, and he gives a thumbs up as he begins his way to a laundry chute in the castle, tapping the buttons and calling up her usual clothes. He cracks the door open and carefully places them inside for her, then sits against the door, and waits.

Not necessarily quietly.

"Laaaaaaanccccceeee. Laaaaaannnncceeee." Keith opens his mouth again to continue, but the door slides up and he falls backward, his head hitting the floor. "Shit!" Shooting up, his arms dart to the back of his head and he turns to give Lance an evil eye. "Asshole."

Her eyes spring wide, water softly coming to their corners. Her lips tremble, gloss smeared as she bites her lip. She bites it harder.

The dam breaks anyway, and she crumbles to the floor in a mess of tears, snot, and a sick, painful laughter. "I'm sorry, I fucked up," she gasps, coughs, and begins again, "I know I'm supposed to be better than this-" her sobs drown her out. "Give me an hour." A pathetic attempt at a smile is mustered as she grabs the door frame to stand, legs shaky. 

"Hey, Lance? Just sit, okay. Breath, in and out." The words are repeated again and again and she clutches to the rhythmic sound, trying her very best to just do whatever this person wants and just fucking breathe- how pathetic, she can't even breathe! "Shit." The voice murmurs it with a tight undertone, and she shudders again, "Don't worry about it. Can I just hold you? I'll hum you something nice, yeah?" She likes this voice as it begins humming, and she nods, her head gently bumping their chest. She's being held, and it's soft, and quiet, and warm...


	2. A fairy's whispers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about the cold period! I don't do continuous stories very well. A thank you to those who commented and asked me to continue- I saw the notifications for them and ended up creating this. I'm sorry if it's a bit brief, however I feel it's a bit improved from the previous. Let me know your thoughts! Sorry for the unfortunately short story, and if you have any good AU's or headcanons you'd like written let me know! If I like it enough I might try it.

Lance's eyes flutter open, rolling over. Her face is buried in fabric, and she lazily begins the process of getting up.

"FUCK-" Keith shoots up instead, and Lance is practically tossed to the floor from her position on what was....  
His lap?

Keith is certainly looking flustered enough for it to have been. He's in a fighting stance, knees bent and arms up. Vaguely, she wonders what they're doing there. However, now the question arises- where is there? She lazily gazes around the room, and finds they're in some kind of... bedroom?

She's left with more questions than when she began.  
1\. Why is Keith beet red? (Perhaps because she was apparently shoving her face into him? What was her face touching?? Ew.)  
2\. Why is she in a bedroom with Keith? (Did they...? She doesn't remember anything like that.)  
2.5. What does she remember?

Thinking down the past 24 hours, she recalled breakfast, training, lunch, battle, going to relax- Pidge. Pidge happened, and then she was showering, and Keith showed up... And now they're here together. She acted like an idiot. Wonderful.  
Keith has calmed down by this point, resuming his seat on the floor with her. Lance skims his face, looking for the tell-tale signs that he knows she's a humiliating disaster, that she's a crybaby. That she doesn't really deserve the title of paladin.

His eyes are soft towards her.

"You feeling any better?" She blinks once. Twice. They are both aware of what happened. He's being surprisingly nice.

"Yes?" It's definitely something she's unsure of.

"Are you sore?" She considers this too. Her back is killing her, and her arms are sore from clutching to him- frankly, Lance is exhausted. Her shoulders and wrists sting, which is unsurprising. She nods, and he sighs, pushing himself off the floor and heading over to the medical cabinet. "I figured you wouldn't want everyone fretting, so you're stuck with 'basic' altean medicine..." He's still talking, but she's more and more lost as he continues. "Anyway, we're going to talk about that after you've gotten decent sleep, sooner if you'd like. For now though, just take off my jacket and we'll take care of it." Lance freezes. She's mortified, and the urge to rip off the irritant that's been bugging her cuts- bandages, she's realized- is increased tenfold.

_He _put those bandages on, not her. He must have taken her to the infirmary, bandaged her up, then sat with her in a room until she woke up. He's approaching her now, random medication in his hand, reaching for her. She stands.__

__"Could you fucking stop? You don't have to go to this fucking extent." She's spitting acid, her heart is aching, "Don't fucking prop up the charade to this level. Pidge has already made it blatantly clear that saying how you feel about me is fine. You can say whatever you have to, get it off your chest. All of you can. I'll stay as a paladin, you don't have to keep pretending you like me, hell, I'll help look for someone to replace me-"_ _

__"Lance."  
She quiets. She wants to thank him for making her stop._ _

__"We love you." She checks out. "I love you. You need to believe me. We all love you as our friend, our teammate, our family." She's trying to check out, but his words are like honey and _fuck_ does she want to believe them. "We want you, always. Your a dork, and you make silly puns and flirt with random alien girls, and you can't bake but you're crazy good at random, wonderful things, and you're wonderful." Keith has taken her trembling hands, squeezing them tightly. She glances, finally meeting his eyes, and he spares her a smile.__

____"Look, I was pissed when Pidge said that to you." His shoulders are shaking, rage flooding him suddenly as he recalls their behavior. "I nearly punched them. Shiro is talking with them, and Hunk's your best friend; he was upset too. You shouldn't feel guilty for feeling dysphoric or unhappy- and Pidge shouldn't have lashed out on you because of their own frustration. You didn't deserve it, Lance." He shakes his head, carefully pulling her into a hug._ _ _ _

____"You deserve to be praised, to be remembered, to be considered. You deserve to be cared about, and, fuck... I'm sorry we haven't been. I'm sorry- I'm so fucking sorry I didn't notice." Keith's shoulders are shaking again, but he's not angry this time, and Lance thinks this might just be the worst thing she's ever seen._ _ _ _

____His words are seared into her, and she wants to reject all of it- but the honey is sweet, and he looks so sincere- his voice, cracking as he mutters kind things, so honest- and she lets herself be held, face buried in his collar. She lets his words envelop her in an embrace of acceptance._ _ _ _

____She's not okay. But this- this she can do._ _ _ _

____She can try. For him. For her friends. For herself._ _ _ _

____And maybe she'll believe his words someday._ _ _ _


End file.
